I believe the electric kettle industry could use my help. The folks at SMEG Brand, makers of the SMEG electric kettle, are one of them. I mean, c’mon, they named their big dollar electric kettle ($169.95) SMEG. When they come out with a brand of dishware, they’ll probably label it PUKE.
There are better options. I can provide them. But, once again, I see I’ve gotten ahead of myself.
First, let me tell you about my sudden interest in electric kettles. When I was visiting with family members last week, I was looking for a teakettle to brew a little Earl Grey. The homeowner told me she didn’t own one. If I wanted to use it, though, her electric kettle was right there on the countertop.
For those of you who own electric kettles, why didn’t you tell me about this modern miracle? An electric kettle heats water faster than a conventional tea kettle. It turns itself off when the water is ready. It doesn’t whistle. Oh, how I hate that whistle.
I loved that electric kettle. I drank more tea more often just for the pleasure of using it.
When I returned home, I told my personal Boy Wonder that I wanted an electric kettle of our own. He didn’t see the need for one until I told him it would heat the water for his ramen more quickly. It would heat the water for his oatmeal faster. It wouldn’t whistle while he was on the pot (and not the teapot, if you get what I mean).
He can't stand the sound of a tea whistle, either. When we didn’t find what we wanted locally, I turned to Amazon. That’s where I discovered that the electric kettle industry needs someone who can polish their copywriting. A job—to remind you—that I’m ready to do. I won’t be cheap, but you don’t want cheap. When you go cheap, you end up with this ad line: Make boiling water fascinating (Topwit Electric Kettle).
That’s a flat-out lie, Topwit organization. When people want to impress other people, they are eager to find something extraordinary to share. There is no one on the planet who would bring a date to their kitchen, just so that he or she could watch water boil. In your heart, you know that.
A different ad line drove me away from the CHINYA Store. There, they claim, Complete Your Kitchen, Better Your Life. With that one line, I realized we don’t share the same life philosophy at all. If they’d posted Bulldoze Your Kitchen, Better Your Life, we could have been friends.
The words “kitchen” and “life” were also part of the Miosal Brand’s sales pitch. They said their kettle was a Warm Helper For Your Kitchen Life! while also promising that Safety and Quality Is Our Top Concerning!
Miosal Brand, you’ve got my email address. Use it.
But the client that really needs a hand is the EcoRealx people. First of all, did they mean to call their company EcoRelax, but someone scrambled the letters? If so, I say, let’s get that fixed. Second, the EcoRealx slogan is keep clam and drink coffee. Yes, you read that correctly. For reasons only they know, this company supports in-home clam adoption and coffee bean consumption at the same time. It’s a bold and unexpected approach to marketing.
For the right price, I can make it work. Hire me and I’ll contact clam providers, establishing easy clam access for those customers who are clam-deprived. I’ll advise people on how to care for their clam and provide suggestions on feeding, entertaining, and socializing with their clam. Bring me into the organization and I can be All Clam, All the Time.
That’s not all I can do for you, EcoRealx. In an effort to sell your $80 electric gooseneck kettle, you told Amazon shoppers everywhere, In 2021, EcoRealx travels through time In an “Eco” way, take you shuttling back and forth between delicious coffee and Relax life. No periods, random capitalization, run-on sentences… ProWritingAid and I have some issues with what you’ve written. Worse still, no one knows what this means.
Yes, you’re right, these are words in English. I give you that, especially since English is (hopefully) not your native tongue. you can do so much better. Well, you can’t, apparently, but I can. I’ll give you a tip for free: Forget the whole “Eco” way thing, whatever that is, and lean hard on the clam aspect of your presentation. Trust me.
It’s a winner.