 ...says Cousin Eerie at the end of a not-very-good story published in the horror comic magazine, Eerie #45. We feel fairly okay when we insult the story since Harrell is the one who wrote it. Many years ago, when he was not only a teenager but a fairly young teen, at that.
("I thought you said the ground was firm enough for a safe landing, DeHaan! I thought you said --" "Shut up, you ---! Shut up!" -- RI, Master of Men) All of which comes to mind today because Dark Horse Books has released Eerie Archives Volume 9 ($49.99 retail or $31.14 here -- and, no, Harrell makes not one penny off of the book) and Volume 9 includes the not-very-good RI, Master of Men. Volumes 1 - 8 do NOT contain RI, Master of Men and should, therefore, be considered more worthy of your immediate purchase. (By the way, it turns out the ground was not firm enough for a safe landing, sending the rocket ship into the Moon itself. Yes, I said, INTO the Moon. "You are at the center of our planet...in the center of the "Moon", as you might call it. And we brought you here when your ship broke through our crust" -- RI, Master of Men) You might wonder how a young and inexperienced writer sold an 8-page script to Warren Publications. The answer is easy enough: Harrell had a mentor. He'd started a correspondence with a kind and talented comic book writer and the writer was good enough to send him sample scripts and, later, to critique his work. (He's since tried to contact the writer, without success, so we're holding off on sharing his name for now.) With the successful writer's guidance, a passable script was written and sold. The marvelous Martin Salvador was given the job of drawing the pages and his artwork almost makes the story worth your time. So how does Harrell feel about finding the story in print again as part of an expensive hardcover collection? He's delighted. He hadn't read the story in years, discovered it was just as cheesy as he'd remembered, and he can't wait to share it with his kids. Some day, he hopes, he'll share it with his grandchildren, too. "Hit me, idiot! What difference can it make now? You've doomed us all!" -- RI, Master of Men
 ...and here's one of 'em. The blurry little yellow item to your left is a candy Peeps® which is Always in Season per the good folks at Just Born, Inc. This particular treat is a Dipped Marshmallow Peeps®...and, we can't help it, it appears to us that this little goodie has soiled itself. Which isn't to say that one of us didn't munch it up, anyway. We have our standards but, honestly, those standards weaken before such sugary goodness. Which somehow brings us to tomorrow's big movie release. The folks at Disney -- and, as some of you know, we have a tiny history with the folks at Disney -- but, anyway, the folks at Disney have dropped about a quarter of a billion dollars to bring the world its next big movie franchise, John Carter. Which, in its early stages, was called John Carter of Mars. We're hoping the flick is good because we'd like to see it. Both of us read A Princess of Mars years and years ago (you can read it for free, if you'd like, right here) and we remembered the basic storyline. A Confederate Captain during the Civil War, all-around stud John Carter is -- pretty mystically -- transported to Mars. The locals call their planet "Barsoom", their world is dying, and they're somehow not immediately enamored of the tiny Terran who has just popped up to visit. Stud or not. Nonetheless, it's going to fall to John C. to save them all from the big Dirt Nap. Written a hundred years ago, we both thought the story was...well, dated but fun and exciting for what it was and when it originated. Not much on characterization but heavy on the action. So why do we open this post by saying, "Some things are just wrong"? Because half of this team heard about the movie, heard the title, and announced, "I know what we're going to write as our next project." "We already have our next project," said the sensible part of the team. "Our next project," said the less sensible half of Renée Harrell, "is a hot romance with science fiction elements. And we'll call it, Joan Carter of Bars." This was a bad idea. But, wait!, it gets worse. Y'see, in Joan Carter of Bars, a Confederate Army nurse is -- pretty mystically -- transported to modern day Georgia. She arrives in a cheap and disreputable gin mill called Soom's Bar. (No, the storyline is not subtle.) The locals are bitter, their town is dying, and a couple of 'em are hoping to drink away their troubles while engaging in sordid activities with a hired prostitute. Instead of the prostitute, Joan Carter arrives.The barflies are somehow not immediately enamored of the disapproving, oddly-dressed, last century survivor who has just popped in to visit. Nonetheless, it's going to fall to Joan C. to save the town...oh, and find true love. Sanity prevailed and we did not write this book. However, if you or you want to pick up the pen and give it a go, you have our good wishes. Because, truth be told, we'd kinda like to read it....
 ...well, we'll get to that. In the meantime, we're delighted to announce that Aly's Luck is finally in print ( here) and also available in e-form (just about everywhere but, if you're Amazon-specific, just go here). If you're in the mood for a space opera that one editor called "a kind of eclectic mix of 'The Stainless Steel Rat', Monty Python, Indiana Jones, Dr. Who and the Bob Hope, Bing Crosby 'Road to...' movies", then this just might be a book for you. The same editor called the story, "hilarious". The esteemed editor in question is Steve Haynes of Proxima Books. If you read and like our novel, know that it's much improved from its original manuscript. Steve helped us with edit after edit, and we will be forever grateful to him. We are among the founding members of the Steve Haynes Fan Club and we encourage you to join our group. (For $25 US, you'll get a copy of Aly's Luck, a certificate of membership, and a button that reads, Yay! Steve Haynes! *Please note: Steve Haynes has no affiliation with the Steve Haynes Fan Club. Although he is a skilled editor and a wonderful person, we fear he may be litigious. The first rule of the Steve Haynes Fan Club? We do not tell Steve Haynes about the Steve Haynes Fan Club. The second rule of the Steve Haynes Fan Club? We DO NOT tell Steve Haynes about the Steve Haynes Fan Club.) If you read and don't like the story, well, that's not Steve's fault. After he'd completed his work, we wrote a new beginning, Renée designed a new cover, and we did still another edit. Finally, today, it's complete. If this is the kind of thing you like, we think you'll like this kind of thing.
 ...but tread lightly when it comes to Ellery Queen and Murder, She Wrote.
Now, don’t be a hater. We know both shows went off the air, like, forever ago, and we know late night reruns remain the preferred viewing for those of us with one foot in the coffin (everyone else is on the internet) but, the fact is, we love us the Queen boys and Jessica Fletcher. They’re our bedroom companions.
Here’s why: When it’s time to go to sleep, we don’t go easy. There’s last minute chores to do, bills to pay and lunches to make and a cat to feed and two dogs to mollify, and life gets busy. Climbing under the sheets, we need something soothing to push us toward Dreamland. Our sleeping pill of choice is gentle, non-involving, crime-solving television shows. Featuring writers as their leads. ‘Cause it could happen, right?
(Sleep experts say late night television viewing is a mistake and that the flickering electronic eye keeps people awake. Sleep experts are wrong.)
We started innocently enough with the television series, Ellery Queen. Jim Hutton, ever clever, and David Wayne, ever charming, welcomed us into their world and calmed us. As we watched the first episode, father and son got involved in a mystery and...both of us fell asleep. Confident that they’d catch the killer, that all would end well, we fell sleep within seconds of each other, awakening only to turn off the show, turn off the lights, and snooze away.
It was wonderful. Returning to the last bit of the show that either of us remembered, we spent several nights the episode was over. The same thing happened with the second episode. Each of the hour mysteries lasted for a week or more, the perfect antidote to a too-noisy world. But there was only one season of EQ (damn it!) and we were hooked. So we went looking for another writer-as-mystery-solver show and soon remembered the wonderful Angela Lansbury.
Murder, She Wrote is the amateur detective show for viewers who felt Ellery Queen was a bit too racy. If we occasionally got caught up in an EQ puzzle, as happened once or twice, and we sacrificed one of the show’s 22 episodes to our curiosity, we realize this won’t happen with MSW. It eases us to slumber without fail and, as we’re early in the run, we’re delighted to know the show ran for twelve years. And, after series completed its run, Angela still clocked in another four made-for-television movies. With so much of Cabot Cove ahead of us, we’re going to sleep easy for decades.
Since both shows feature crime writers, they’ve taught us a lot about being authors. From EQ, we learned that successful writers are mildly attractive but not distractingly so. We’ve learned it’s okay for forty-something year-old novelists to live with their Dads, always dress in the same clothes (sweaters and deerstalker caps are recurrent choices), and be terribly forgetful... almost get-this-man-a-sitter forgetful...and that wordsmiths can date on occasion but they should never expect to have sex.
Oh, and authors are smarter than cops.
MSW, on the other hand, tells us that fifty-something year-old widowed writers are mildly attractive but not distractingly so. They should live by themselves, dress in the frumpiest clothes imaginable, be instantly recognizable wherever they go (we think it’s the frumpy clothes), and be attractive to the opposite sex, although infrequently, but never engage in sex (again, the choice of clothing may be critical here).
Oh, and authors are smarter than cops.
Which is why you can diss Castle all you’d like. We’re not gonna kid you; we like the show and watch it every week. Still, it’s clearly a fantasy. Richard Castle is gorgeous, almost distractingly so. He dresses in the latest fashions and he clearly wants to go on a date with his partner, Kate Beckett. She's clearly interested in him, too. If they should ever go out for chips and coffee, there’s no doubt they’ll be bed-bouncing before the last commercial. On occasion, Castle’s crime-fighting partner, Kate, solves a crime before he does.
Even though it's been established that Richard is an author and Kate is a detective. Throwing aside everything that we, as writers, know to be true, they occasionally allow a cop to solve the murder.
Talk about hard to believe....
 ...if, of course, there is even such a word as ‘best-sellerdom’. Which there isn’t.
The back story: Our lovely daughter, Rachel, writes on occasion and has a real gift for creating sarcastically-skewed fiction that is hilarious. We wish we were as funny. But, not interested in the dogfight known as publication, she only writes when the urge strikes. Most often, she writes fan fiction and she’s built a small but steady readership.
Months and months ago, she decided to try something new. Just for the fun of it, she thought bury her sense of humor and aim for the heart of romance fans everywhere – still in her wheelhouse, still in fanfic – just to see what would happen. Then she hit ‘publish’.
Her readership swelled by more than a factor of ten. While her other pieces found a half-hundred viewers, this piece went into the four digits. Even today, it’s her most popular work. “I found out I could please an audience if I wanted,” she says, “which is interesting but not as interesting as writing the stuff I like.” So she went back to doing her own brand of fiction but not before we asked her to tell us how she’d done what she did. She shared with us so we can share with you...but she’ll want that ten percent commish once the sale is final. (She's kidding. We think.)
These, then, are Rachel’s Rules and Regs of Writing a Successful Romance:
Heroine: Pretty, but not stunning. Average height and build, thin but not anorexic. Not rich, but not poor. Intelligent, but not a genius, and witty... but not to the point where it overshadows the hero’s wittiness. Has been in a series of so-so relationships, possibly just got out of one. Not really looking for a guy.
Hero: Eye-meltingly gorgeous. Intelligent, charming, seductive. Tall, maybe 6’2. Broad shoulders, well-defined arms and abs. While he’s quite muscular and fit, you will never hear or see him doing anything to keep his physique this trim – he is just naturally hot. Independently wealthy. Maybe he invested wisely in stocks years ago or he set up a very successful business that he sold for a lot of money, something like that. His eyes MUST be piercing, and usually blue or green, while his hair is dark, thick and full. His skin is flawless, as are his teeth. He is an impeccable dresser. He’s self-assured to the point of cocky, but not obnoxiously so. He will never brag about how rich he is or how smart and good looking he is... but it is obvious that he is well aware of these things. He is also well traveled and knowledgeable about the world. He is dangerous, a bad boy, tough, but with a soft romantic side that comes out occasionally. He’s not afraid to stand up and fight for what is right or the woman he loves (awwwww).
Their relationship: She is the resister, he is the pursuer. Always. I mean, rule number freakin’ one, practically. She finds him irresistably gorgeous as does anyone with a pulse, but his dangerous side and his cocky nature leaves her resistant to his charms. Still, when they cross paths (which will be frequently, but not in a “I want to wear your skin as a suit” kinda way), she can’t help but be wildly turned on by him, although she denies it to his face (as he will bring up her obvious attraction to him, and she will deny it – strongly at first, and then as her resolve fades the protest will become weaker and weaker until it finally breaks and they share a passionate kiss, which she will pull away from and later say was a mistake, but the real hot action is soon to follow). What will finally wear her down is when he saves her. Because there will be something dangerous, life-threatening most often, that will be shortly down the horizon threatening our heroine. She CANNOT save herself in this situation, she must be saved by the dashing hero. This is not the big danger that will serve as a climax to the story, but it will be the danger that sets the ball rolling to her taking her panties off for Mr. Amazing.
The sex: The beginning of the story is all about foreplay. He wants her, he pursues her, he knows that he will have her. She resists, although she secretly wants him to throw her down and rip her clothing off. So at the start, there has to be a ton of sexual tension. Brushes against the skin, moments where they look at each other with lust and then she forces herself to look away, etc. Then they will kiss, after he saves her from danger X. She will be so turned on and it will be the best kiss ever, but she will rip herself away and leave, conflicted by her emotions. Eventually when they meet up again, it will progress to more... you know what I mean, the dirty-dirty. The sex will be incredibly hot. He will be a patient, experienced lover, and the first time they have sex, it will be love-making, and it will be mind-blowing. He is strong and competent, but not nast-ay. She will melt in his arms and become a puddle of orgasmic goo. Basically, our hero is a giver in the sack and expects little in return, other than that our heroine love every second of it. Ba-bam!
The action: Basically, there are two dangers: little, and big. Little danger will set the scene so she will fall for our hero, and the reader will get to see his bravery and willingness to put his life on the line for his lady love. The second danger is the danger that threatens our heroines life in a big way, and will serve as a big plot point to the book (other than the romance). Our hero will stop at nothing to save her; maybe their meeting was not accidental, and he was sent to save her life for some unknown reason. At any rate, this big bad will be fought off quite successfully by our hero, who will be devastatingly brave and self-sacrificing and will nearly die while saving her life. She will be so concerned and crushed at the thought of losing him that she will realise, finally, that she loves him! Flowers and sparkly puppies, yay! And he loves her, too. Big danger defeated, they ride off into the sunset, him making some witty comment and her blissfully happy with her rich, handsome genius. Game, set, match.
Now, where’s that royalty check?
 _ ...asked Bill S., rather famously, before adding, “That which we call a rose/By any other name would smell as sweet” and we can’t disagree. Still, if the flower were to be given a different name, no matter the glorious scent, we think 1-800-Flowers would object. After all, what young lover wants to give his girl a bouquet of fartbriars on Valentine’s Day? Names and titles are on our mind today because we just received an e-mail from a fellow saying he was buying The Atheist’s Daughter because of its cover, the reviews – and its title. This is the first and only time anyone has said they’re more interested in our book because of its name. Most often, we hear about the people who won’t buy the book because of its moniker. Because of the e-mail, we went to our own bookshelf, in search of books we’d bought largely or solely because of their titles. In the line of volumes that seem religious based on name alone, there’s God is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself, which we wanted on our bookshelf just because of the name. We don’t own (but did read, once upon a time) Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret and we’re tempted to pick up Chuck Palahniuk’s Damned (a YA satire, which proudly pronounces, "Are You There, Satan? It’s Me, Madison"). Of our own titles, we love Daughter, After Things Went Bad, and Frankenstein, P.I. We like Bill Shakespeare’s Next Big Mistake and Wicked Games. We wish we’d been a little more inventive with Something Wicked (since SO MANY other people used the title or a close variation of the same) and, if we had to do it all over again, we might have done something different with Aly’s Luck. The title doesn’t really tell you anything about the novel or its story. As of this moment, used copies are going for a penny plus shipping. On the other hand? Renée is completing a new cover that will reflect the novel’s contents very nicely and we’ve recently received some good news about our science fiction opus. We'll share much in the days to come. Meanwhile, if you want to enjoy a few minutes with a bunch of famous book titles, you could do worse than to pick up Now All We Need is a Title: Famous Book Titles and How They Got That Way. As of this moment, used copies are going for a penny plus shipping.
 ...or so our son, Matthew, tells us. He recently went to Cambodia to visit marvelous jungle temples and see the sad beauty of the Killing Fields. He took hundreds of photos and these are a couple of 'em.
During his vacation, he tried to avoid drinking the water (a suggestion he offers to everyone currently planning a stopover in Cambodia) but he happily munched on the foods he was offered. He's an adventuresome guy. Among his nibbles? Water bugs, tarantula legs and fried cockroaches. He does not recommend the water bug.
As it happens, one of our future projects includes a steamy romance set (partially) in modern day Cambodia. We haven't seen too many romances set in Third World countries -- poverty and hunger take the edge off of sensual embrace -- but a fresh setting is always interesting to readers. Plus, we think we've got a spin to the tale that will allow love to bloom even if our heroine is sipping bottled H 2 0.
While we were happy to get a little color for our story from someone who's actually traveled to the place, and we were fascinated to discover that bowls of crunchy insects are served on purpose to restaurant guests, neither one of us thought this was the kind of detail to add to our romance. As Renée said, "Lips that touch cockroach will never touch mine"...and Harrell realized he has yet another secret to keep from her.
But would we read a Harlequin where the heroine slurps down spider appendages before enjoying a hot roll in the hay? Oh, yes, we would.
 ...and the reason that's interesting is this: We rarely receive any kind of fan mail. Which isn't to say we don't hear from you and you on occasion. Happily, we do. It's just that, most often, the communication isn't a glowing note of love and appreciation. It's more along the lines of one friend writing to another, offering fresh insights about writing or suggestions to improve sales or the odd expression of curiosity as to why Renée painted herself with an eyeball in her mouth. Every now and again, we hear from a Fencken. But fan letters? Not so much. This particular reader had discovered Something Wicked, had enjoyed it, and took the time to find our website, read several of our posts, and use The Contact Thing (above) to write us. She wanted to know if SW would ever have a sequel. Because she, personally, wanted to read it tomorrow. Her kind comments made us think about Kristine Kathryn Rusch and one of KKR's recent blog posts. She wrote a spank-your-hands piece on self-publishing ( here), saying, "You indie writers treat your readers as badly as traditional publishers do. And you do it in the exact same way. You deny your readers the next book." Our next book in the Anne Lippens/Something Wicked series, by the way? Something Evil. Then she said, "Here’s what readers expect: They expect writers to publish one book, then two books, then three books. They expect several books from their favorite writers." Later still, "Is it hard? Of course it’s hard. In the beginning, no writer has a fan base. Writers earn their fan base, one reader and one book at a time. Fans come back. Writers—and traditional publishers—need to remember that." KKR's actual post goes on for pages and it's worth the read. It certainly made an impact on us. This morning, we e-mailed and promised our reader that, yes, there would be a sequel to SW...but, first, we had to complete our sequel to The Atheist's Daughter ('cause, y'know, our other fan asked about that particular novel first). And then, the fates willing? Frankenstein P.I. vs Dracula, M.D. Not the cover above, not by a long shot. The good craftsmen and women of Fiverr.com have provided us with several winners but this particular image isn't one of our favorites. We're on a roll, baby!
 ...but, it turns out, we should have been trying a little harder. In January, we wrote just under 18,000 words, with a rewrite or two, and we were quite pleased with that particular number. We don't have anything to show you, not yet, but the words are there and things are coming together. (Don't bother checking for a new title at Amazon or Smashwords or any of the usual suspects. We're not done yet.) It turns out, we shouldn't have felt so good about ourselves. According to our indie guru, Dean Wesley Smith, we truly are slackers. In his post of a year ago (here) (and, yeah, we're slow readers, too), he talks about writing speed and what it means to someone's career. For example, DWS says it takes him an hour to write 1,000 words. At 1,000 words a day, working five days a week, your average novelist can pump out three novels a year. Sadly, we're not your average novelists. On a good day, we manage 500 words in a three hour period. Then the next day, we rewrite those words, lose about 50 of 'em, and we've totaled 450 words for our total output. Oh, and three hours is about all we've got before the mind rebels and we're done. So, yeah, January was a successful month for us, since we saw an average daily number of 580 words for those 31 days. Until we came across our mentor's post (the Magic Bakery, hidden inside The Store Thing, is his idea), we thought we were smokin'. And, then, no longer quite so pleased with ourselves, we did another edit. Our 18,000 words slimmed themselves still further. For January, we knocked out 15,000 turns. So far, the first week of February, we've plotted our next effort. Total word count: Zipadee Zero. If you read the beginning of Dean's post, you'll see this sentence: "The slow writers in this new world of publishing are going to have trouble." He means it. DWS clearly believes that volume is key to an indie writer's career. We're doomed.
 ...but, wow, was it a struggle. The process started months and months ago but today, huzzah, we can claim success. Our novel, Something Wicked, is finally available at our local library. The town's library is a lovely place and we know most of the staff by sight (to their regret, they know us, too). When SW came out in a paperback edition, we donated a copy for the library's collection. We thought this would be quick and easy process. Boy, were we wrong. The book came out in April of 2011. We called toward the end of the month, spoke to a staff member, and learned we'd need to provide a copy to...well, you wouldn't know her, but the librarian in charge of putting books on the shelves. Once they accept a book, it has to be cataloged, they put some kind of glossy covering on the thing, there's an entire series of steps. This was Step One. We mistakenly thought it was Step One - Done, but no. Since our novel is directed toward a YA audience, it was shipped over to the librarian who specializes in teen/young adult/children books. But, since SW was donated (and didn't carry a Big Name Publisher's imprint), the librarian had to read and approve the novel as Safe for Our Children, too. However.... Like many of the government facilities in the nation, the local library has budgetary issues. People haven't been fired but hours were cut and fewer hours meant less time to read a donated novel that probably wasn't very good. (In our recent travels, a librarian told us she'd been trained to believe that s'pubbed = bad. We're sure she was exaggerating. There can't be an entire class devoted to the awfulness of self-published writing. Can there? You'd think you could pass such a belief along in a quick e-mail.) Now, if you love literature and your job involves reading every donated book before putting it before the public...and you've been taught, the book is gonna stink...we'd imagine you aren't all that eager to start the process. So the Youth Librarian didn't. In order to avoid reading our novel, she took a different job in the library system. We're kidding. We hope. The fact is, more weeks passed and the YL didn't read our book and she did take a different job in the system. Which meant, our story now travelled over to the new Youth Librarian. Who was learning her job and had plenty on her plate without having to look at our donation. More weeks passed.Still, we live in a small town, and there's no way to avoid a pair of your more frequent patrons forever so she did kind of a side move: She gave the novel to her 12-year old daughter to read. She told us her daughter zipped right through, which was presumably a good thing, but her daughter's approval wasn't enough. And, really, what if we'd written a terrible, mind-corrupting book full of awfulness? What would this have done to the mother-daughter relationship? She still had to read the piece herself. And time, it traveled on.This month, we finally found our book and our pseudonym in the library system. Yay! Eight months plus after we started everything by giving our book away. When we walked into the main building, looking for our novel...it had been checked out. Yay! All in all, it was worth the wait. But if the library want a copy of The Atheist's Daughter on the shelves, they're gonna have to buy it themselves.
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